


Making Up For It

by Schizopath0305



Series: Sweet Philkas Love [3]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Couch Cuddles, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Healing, Love, M/M, Mild Language, Past Issues, Promises, Sleepy Cuddles, Talking, Together forever, talking about feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:07:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23992777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schizopath0305/pseuds/Schizopath0305
Summary: Philip notices Lukas being a wonderful boyfriend, but is there more to it than that?
Relationships: Philip Shea/Lukas Waldenbeck
Series: Sweet Philkas Love [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1178852
Comments: 1
Kudos: 77





	Making Up For It

**Author's Note:**

> Hello Everybody! I hope you're all doing all right given current global circumstances and the fact that Eyewitness was now four years ago and we still haven't gotten over the feels they gave us. So, I'm getting back into writing some more for them, and I do hope you enjoy!

Living in bliss hadn’t been something that had featured in Philip’s visions for the future. He was terrified of ending up living in the bliss that his mother had chased throughout his childhood. And the other kind – well, Philip wasn’t convinced he was a part of the world that experienced it.

So when he found himself one day, curled into Lukas’ side, just enjoying being there, he hadn’t realised _this_ is what bliss felt like. He was content to just listen to Lukas snore gently, feeling his chest rise and fall, with the constant beat of his heart thumping underneath. He was thrilled to be the one Lukas had chosen, to be this close, to be the only one who saw him in this vulnerable, beautiful state. The road they’d taken had been full of bumps, with some wrong turns and a flat tire or two, but they’d made it. Against all the odds – and there were a lot – they had persevered and made it to their happy ending.

And that terrified Philip.

They were still so young: they hadn’t even finished college yet. They were naive: less than most, but they always would be with their pasts. They weren’t financially independent: Helen, Gabe and Bo were sending money for their apartment and essential expenses. But they had a place of their own; they managed every month to budget and still have some left over, which they saved. They were doing well in school and hung out with friends regularly without having to sacrifice anything. All-in-all, life for the two of them was good.

That’s when Philip had started to notice the little things Lukas did. Lukas would always make sure they were stocked up in Philip’s favourite treats, massage Philip’s feet whenever he’d had a long day, walk him to and from every class, hold his hand on the way home, basically a lot of couples stuff. Philip was not complaining about that. He thought it was because Lukas loved him and was catching up on all the time they lost while they were hiding from a serial killer and pretending they weren’t in love. But Lukas did more than just the typical couples stuff. He put the bins out, washed the dishes, did the laundry, paid for things when they went out, and cleaned every inch of the apartment. It sounded like just the regular housework and chores, but Lukas did all of it. There was probably so much more that Lukas did that Philip wasn’t even aware of, but he was starting to worry. He hadn’t realised Lukas had done all that he had, because Philip would be doing something else, like some homework, and hadn’t noticed the apartment not descending into the chaotic mess it was supposed to end up in, with two young men cohabitating for the first time without parental supervision. So Philip had done his best to be a casual observer. He saw how Lukas would quietly put the bins out in the morning, before crawling back into bed, trying not to disturb Philip. He saw how Lukas put the laundry by the door and then sneak in and grab it when Philip was revising. He saw how Lukas got out the step ladders he didn’t even know they owned (probably Helen’s doing) and cleaned the ceiling, in spite of the strain he put on his shoulder which Philip knew still ached from time to time. Philip didn’t say anything when he saw Lukas wince in pain when he put his arm down, instead going back to the bedroom and thinking over everything.

He wasn’t mad that Lukas was doing this. On the contrary, he felt loved beyond belief, because Lukas was willingly going about doing these daily tasks so that Philip didn’t have to. But doing it even when it caused him pain? Philip couldn’t figure that out. He needed to talk to Lukas about it.

The following week, Philip had taken every opportunity to try and ease into the conversation. He tried by saying he’d put the bins out, only for Lukas to tell him he’d done it. He tried by offering to wash the dishes only to be met with an empty counter. He even tried by saying he’d clean on top of the wardrobes but couldn’t find the step ladder. No matter what he tried to do, Lukas had already done it. _So much for the easy way_...

So Philip thought everything over while he was tucked into Lukas’ side. He didn’t want to hurt or undervalue Lukas’ feelings, but he didn’t want Lukas hurting himself at his expense either. He loved Lukas more than anything, and he couldn’t go on knowing that every time Lukas cleaned, he was putting himself through pain that was not only physical but psychological.

Every time Philip saw Lukas undressed, he saw the scar and was reminded of everything they’d been through. The first few time they’d tried to be intimate after it had healed, neither one had been willing to go more than kissing and light touching. They made it work by keeping their shirts on whenever they had sex, but eventually the painful memories subsided and they’d ditched the shirts. It got too hot in them anyway.

Even in situations where they were both filled with pleasure, there was always this niggling feeling pulling at the back of their minds, reminding them of their pain. Philip could only imagine how terrible it must feel to feel the pain of an old injury and be transported back to the time when it happened. In fact he didn’t want to imagine. He didn’t want Lukas having to go through that, so he’d have to make sure it didn’t happen anymore.

“You’re thinking too loud,” Lukas’ gruff voice said, still full of sleep. “What’s on your mind?” He kissed the top of Philip’s head and Philip relaxed. Lukas had that effect on him, but Philip was still determined.

“Just thinking about all that you do.” Philip let that statement hang on the air for a moment, hoping Lukas would catch his drift. Philip had forgotten that Lukas was a bit of an airhead.

“I do a lot, you’re going to have to be more specific,” Lukas teased as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

“That’s exactly my point.” Philip pushed himself up. He needed some distance between them so he could get through this, but it was killing him.

“I don’t get it,” Lukas said, adjusting his position so he was leaning against the arm of settee, looking up at Philip with adoring eyes. “Babe, what’s wrong?”

Philip closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I-I love you, and I love that you take care of me, and I try my best to reciprocate, but I clearly am not doing a very good job. I know you get up early to put the bins out, I know you wash up and do laundry while I’m studying, I know you use the step ladders to clean the ceiling. I know you do all of this and I appreciate you for doing it. But, Lukas, I know you’re tired from getting up so early, I know your hands are sore after being in the hot water for too long, I know your shoulder hurts from cleaning the ceiling.” Philip turned to look at Lukas, but Lukas wasn’t looking at him, he was looking at his hands like they’re the most interesting things in the world. Philip took Lukas’ hands in his own and waited for Lukas to look back up at him. When he saw Lukas’ sad, blue eyes, Philip’s heart broke. “Lukas, why do you do it when it hurts you?”

Lukas didn’t answer. He just looked down again. And Philip didn’t know what to say. After everything that happened, they strived to always tell each other everything, from the meaningless ‘the weather was nice today’ to the important ‘I love you’. So why was Lukas closing him out now over some bloody cleaning?

“Am I that unreliable?” Philip asked before he can think better of it. “Am I that useless that you have to do everything to make sure it’s done right? Am I that much of a burden to you-”

“Stop!” Lukas shouted, lunging forwards to grab Philip in a hug. Philip wrapped his arms around Lukas’ back, enjoying the warmth that seeped into him. He didn’t want to let go, he wanted to stay right there and just forget the world, and everything in it, past and present. Just to hold and be held by Lukas for the rest of eternity didn’t sound all that bad.

“No, Philip, stop, please, stop, don’t say that,” Lukas mumbled over and over. Philip hadn’t noticed at first, too consumed by his need to be near Lukas that he’d forgotten everything else. Philip pulled away first, but Lukas put his hands on Philip’s shoulders to hold him there.

“Look at me, Philip,” Lukas demanded, and Philip did. “You are not a burden. Do you understand me? You’re not useless or unreliable or anything else bad. You are the good in my life and I never meant for you to feel this way, I’m sorry. I love you so much and you mean everything to me. You are not a burden Philip Shea. You couldn’t be if you tried.”

Philip released his breath. He hadn’t realised he’d held those worries until he’d blurted them out. He was usually really good at holding his tongue, keeping his insecurities inside to deal with later, but with Lukas, everything was laid bare at his mercy. “Then why do you do it? It’s as if you’re punishing yourself.” Philip watched as Lukas’ shoulders tensed and his ears turned red. _Oh._ “It’s not ‘as if’, is it? You _are_ punishing yourself. You know it hurts you, so you keep doing it. Why? Why do you do that?”

Philip felt Lukas squeeze his shoulders, before sliding down his arms and settling on Philip’s thighs. Philip reached up and rubbed his thumb across Lukas’ cheek, cupping his face. He smiled when Lukas pushed into Philip’s gesture, and took a deep breath.

“I guess I’m doing it to make up for everything,” Lukas’ voice was so quiet that had Philip not been paying attention, he’d have missed it.

“Make up for what?” He asked confused. Lukas hadn’t broken anything of his to his knowledge. And they’d already bought a replacement for the jumper that got destroyed in the wash. There wasn’t anything in Philip’s mind that Lukas had to make up for.

“For how I treated you... back then...” Lukas dropped his head and Philip’s heart hurt in his chest. Lukas was punishing himself still over what happened between them in high school. Philip had thought they’d been over this. They’d talked and he thought he’d gotten Lukas to see that Philip didn’t hold any of that against him, and that so long as he promised to never do it again, then there was no problem. Apparently for Lukas, that was not the case.

“Lukas, we’ve been through this. What happened in the past between us, it’s behind us. We’re both forgiven, so we move on with our lives. Why are you still beating yourself up over that?”

You may have forgiven me, but I just can’t forgive myself, not for what I did to you, what I put you through. Some days I wake up and I think, why, after everything, did you choose me? I know I don’t deserve you, but I love you. So I wake up early, I wash the dishes, I clean the ceiling, to remind myself how bloody lucky I am that you forgave me, that you love me, and I’m going to spend the rest of my life making up for it, to give you the happiness you deserve.” A tear slowly rolled down Lukas’ cheek, and Philip wiped it away. He was sure he was probably crying too, but didn’t care, and he liked feeling Lukas’ hand come up and wipe them away. He smiled. Lukas was doing it all for him, and he felt a strange combination of guilt and infatuation.

“I love you too, but I can’t be happy knowing you’re hurting in the process. So how about we work together? We both wake up early to take the bins out, we both clean the dishes, we both clean the apartment – I’ll do the ceiling, you can do the floor – we’ll share every job and do them all together. And I won’t mind a bit because I’m happiest when I’m with you Lukas. It doesn’t matter what we’re doing or where we are, so long as I’m with you.”

Lukas smiled and Philip just wanted to melt. He was sure his heart just grew in size, but his love for Lukas just kept expanding every single day. When Lukas leaned forwards, Philip met him halfway, sharing an innocent yet passion filled kiss. Philip curled his fingers into Lukas’ hair as Lukas wrapped his arms around Philip’s waist. When they pulled apart, they stared into each other’s eyes, seeing nothing but love.

“I’m the same you know. When or where doesn’t matter, as long as you’re beside me,” Lukas whispered, rubbing his nose against Philips’.

“Do you promise not to strain yourself when you can help it, and to do everything together?” Philip asked, raising his pinky finger.

“There may be times when I’ll want to do stuff for you, but I promise not to strain myself,” Lukas curled his pinky finger round Philip’s.

“That’ll do, I suppose,” Philip huffed indignantly, before letting go of Lukas’ finger and lying back on the settee.

“What do you say we go for a walk? I hear the sunset is just beautiful across the lake this time of year,” Lukas asked, wrapping an arm around Philip, pulling him closer to his side.

“Let’s go later. Right now, I just want to be here, with you, cuddled on the sofa, together,” Philip said, closing his eyes and feeling himself settle into the moment. It would take time for the both of them to let go of the past, but they’d be together every step of the way.

**Author's Note:**

> So what did you think? Let me know because I am absolutely starved of Philkas feels and need more in my life!  
> Also, if any of you have a fic idea you'd like to see written, let me know and I'll have a go!


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